A Quiet Guilt.

 بِسْمِ اللهِ الرَّحْمٰنِ الرَّحِيْمِ   

In the name of Allah, the Most Gracious, the Most Merciful 

 . . .

“She wasn’t blind to the efforts of those around her—their earnest attempts to bridge the gap, their smiles, their questions, their gestures of connection. But each one felt like a knock on a door she didn’t know how to open. It wasn’t that she didn’t care. She cared deeply, almost painfully so. But the weight of their expectations, of what it meant to be with someone, often left her feeling exposed, ill-equipped, and hollow.”

Sometimes, I wonder if I chose the wrong career. 

Teaching feels like the most extroverted job in the world, and I’m... not. 

Every day, I step into a classroom and feel like I’m putting on a performance, playing a role that demands more energy than I sometimes have to give.

Aku sejenis yang memang kena ada lesson plan untuk siapkan diri aku untuk mengajar, kalau tak ada specific lesson memang mati kutu. Small talk lagi la bukan kemahiran aku. Bukan dalam kelas je, kalau dekat luar pun aku memang awkward. Aku tak pandai nak korek masalah students, nak tanya lebih-lebih, unless they come to me and open up first, InsyaALLAH I will try my best to listen.

I love my students, truly. 

But the constant interaction, the need to be approachable, engaging, and endlessly patient

—it’s exhausting.

It’s not just the exhaustion that gets to me. 

It’s the guilt. 

Aku kena akui kadang-kadang aku kesian dekat student aku sebab dapat cikgu yang introvert macam aku. Because I don’t know how to be the “fun and loving” teacher they expected.

I try my best to be present, to show them I care in the ways I know how—by listening intently, by crafting lessons I hope will inspire, by writing notes of encouragement. But I know it’s not the same as the teachers who seem to thrive in the spotlight. Sometimes, I catch the flicker of disappointment in a student’s eyes when my energy doesn’t match theirs, and it stays with me long after the day ends.

Walaupun sudah masuk tahun ke-10 bergelar seorang guru, aku sedar masih terlalu banyak benda yang aku masih perlu belajar. Zaman berubah, generasi berubah, gaya dan bahasa berkomunikasi juga banyak berubah. Aku kadang sampai lost in translation bila nak cuba ikuti perbualan mereka.

I can’t count the number of times I’ve walked away from a conversation feeling like I failed—like I didn’t give enough, didn’t say the right thing, or didn’t make the other person feel seen. It’s not that I don’t care. I care so much it aches. But when the moment comes, my words get stuck somewhere between my mind and my mouth, and what finally escapes feels so small, so incomplete. 

I’ve seen the looks people give me, the flickers of confusion or hurt when I pause too long or when my answers come out clipped and careful.

Sometimes I wonder if I’m selfish, retreating into my own world when people are reaching out to me. 

I wonder if they see me as cold, distant, or uninterested. 

That thought hurts the most, because if only they knew how much I long to connect, they’d see that I’m not pushing them away. I just don’t know how to let them in.

The truth is that connection feels like trying to swim upstream in a river I don’t know how to navigate.

LOST IN WORD 

LOST IN THOUGHT

Sometimes I need a reminder that connection doesn’t always have to be loud or flashy. 

Sometimes, it’s in the little things, the quiet moments that only an introvert might notice.

I have to remind myself that I also have strengths as a teacher. 

My introversion helps me notice the quiet students, the ones who might otherwise fade into the background. I see their small victories, their silent struggles. 

I understand their need for space because I need it too.

But I can't help but pity my extroverted students who want to have more outgoing connection. 

Ya, personaliti mungkin aku tak boleh nak ubah, cuma mungkin aku perlu terus belajar untuk baiki cara komunikasi aku. But as someone who simply struggled to translate the depths of her inner world into something others could grasp, I can’t help but the guilt would still creep in, soft yet heavy.

I know that it’s impossible for me to meet every need of every student, and that’s okay. I need to learn that instead of viewing my introversion as a limitation, I should see it as my unique strength.

I also know that the more I nurture my own well-being, the more I’ll have to give to my students.

Sebagai seorang introvert mungkin tak mampu menjadi penyumbang yang baik kepada interpersonal relationship anak-anak murid aku, tapi paling kurang aku perlu berusaha untuk menjadi seorang guru yang mampu menjadi contoh yang baik kepada mereka. Paling kurang mungkin aku boleh ceritakan betapa pentingnya untuk membina intrapersonal skills yang baik.

A Teacher Who Models Healthy Habits.

Every time this quiet quilt makes me overwhelm, I will try to recount all the blessing that I have received throughout this wonderful journey. 

Reminding myself, even though I didn't choose teaching in the first place, 

but it is one of the best form of Rezeki that Allah gives to me.

I need to keep reflecting on the positive impacts this career have had on me. 

Like wise, I should reflect on the positive impacts I’ve had on students— no matter how small it is. 

I need to remind myself that I can’t control every student’s experience or reaction, but I can control my effort and intentions. And as for the rest, I will let go and let God!

Dear me,

You’re human. You’re not going to be the perfect teacher every day, and that’s okay. Just as you encourage your students to grow through their imperfections, extend the same kindness to yourself.

InsyaALLAH

p/s: Aku selalu bersyukur sebab kebanyakan anak-anak murid dah faham dah teacher dia yang introvert ni. Thank you kids, for accepting me as your teacher. And kids, I'm so sorry because you need to go through this process with me, I hope we will be able to continue learning from each others.